When standing in the end of 2015, seeing back to the whole year, I felt, to me, this year can be summarized as half anxiety and half hesitation.

To the first half of this year, it was full of anxiety. Be anxious about the submitted paper, be anxious about the NSFC, be anxious about the result for applying to be an associate professor, and be anxious about the status for my checked visa to the U.S. Till summer vacation, good news came one by one. My second SCI paper was published. I was promoted to be an associate professor. I chased my last chance and got the NSFC. My visa was passed and I could come to the U.S. very soon. It was certainly the most successful year compared with my past ten years. I could still remember the great joy broke out from my deep heart when I knew I got the NSFC, just like a big stone was removed from my chest and I could breathe the fresh air again.

To the second half of this year, it was full of hesitation. Before going to the U.S., I still thought I would keep writing papers and doing more research so that I could be more successful when coming back. After coming here, the living environment was changed too much, which made me have enough time to consider my past, consider my effort, and consider my life. And I thought I was so luck to meet a very nice professor. For the first time I visited her, she might feel the stress in my heart, and even told me not to give myself too much pressure. She said that the soul of life was happiness.

So I began to consider, what was the soul of life? In the past five years I took all my effort to one goal, and accomplish it at last. However, I also lost lots of chances to  do other things. The great pressure even made me get the high pressure disease three years ago. I began to confuse whether my effort was worth it. Was it really important to write more papers? Was it really important to do more researches? Was it really important to earn more money? Why should my past life be that bored?  Why can not my life be simple and colorful? I still remembered when I was a student, I could do the things what I really liked to do, such as doing flash movies or writing fictions. While I had totally abandoned these hobbies after married. Where was my talent?

When next year is coming, I decide I will live a new life, a life which will not be full of goals or boring things, a life which can be simple and colorful. 2016, just to be myself.